Untitled unscientific prescript on meditations in streams of consciousness.

I’m feeling pretty challenged right now. I mean, nothing is seriously going wrong in my life, and I’m really ok. I just feel like I’m not sure what to do with myself.

 

I mean, people say that I’m on the right track, that I’m ok, that I’ll be fine. I don’t know what to make of that. I know i have a tendency to beat myself up unnecessarily, and I want to work on it. I’m not sure where to begin though. I just saw Good Will Hunting for the first time tonight. I had seen clips before, but I really related to Matt Damon’s character in a few ways. I just, I don’t see myself as a super genius, but I do feel i connected with the character. I feel that I have some of the same insecurities, and some of the same types of reactions to situations.

 

I wish that I had a counselor like Robin Williams’ character Sean. Or, the counselor in Vanilla Sky. I wish I had guidance sometimes, I know that this is not exactly your business, but whatever. 

 

I feel like a wreck, like a mess of sin and impiety, like Truth has slipped out my window and pragmatism is the sweet scintillating death that seeks to ensnare my thoughts. Not is it true, but what does it do? That’s dangerous. Christ is Truth, and He is here, now, and I suppose that in relation to Truth I can not have lost Truth, but i feel dangerously close and aware of the inner workings of how far i really am from where i want to be.

 

Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I’m an asshole because no one will stand up to challenge me. Maybe I’m a prick because I feel i really am smarter than you. Maybe I’m just really insecure and shy and wish i knew how to deal with it since now i woke up one day and people like me.

 

Maybe I wish i was still the quiet kid in the corner, sneaking his lunch into the library to get away from the world and into books. Maybe I wish you’d all go away so that I could just think alone, without feeling like I’m on trial for an opinion in every arena.

 

I feel happy, but tired. And I’m slightly sick, my throat hurts a bit, I can’t remember the last time i was sick since high school. I don’t get sick much.

 

I think that at the end of it all, i just hope that I am doing this right, though i don’t feel that I am. I feel like I’ve broken hearts and shattered lives, like I’ve set fires to my loved ones and watched them burn as i walk away. 

 

Maybe I was just afraid of having someone be in love with me. Maybe she wasn’t the right one. Maybe i have no fucking clue what i’m doing, so i just wing it and hope for the best. Maybe i’m really being guided by God and His saints, and just don’t know it.

 

I don’t know.

 

Streams of consciousness pour out of my fingers, onto this keyboard and into your eyes, and maybe you should stop reading. Maybe you care. Thanks if you do.

 

I feel like I’m in love with the wrong person. I feel like i love myself too much. I feel like i love others too little. I feel like I’m in need of salvation. I feel like i really really really want to go to confession. I want to be Catholic. I’m afraid of being Catholic.

 

I feel like i’m happy where i am, i feel like I’m secure and able to live out a happy life as a non Catholic Christian. I’m not a protestant, i am a Christian.

 

Today, I am unsure of what the universe means, today I feel like God is right over my right shoulder, comforting me. Today i feel like my heart might be getting into the right place.

 

I obsess over my flaws, and I obsess over my good traits. I wish I was smarter still, I wish that my memory would lend itself to me in greater measure. I am embarrassed that I dropped a class. I’m even more embarrassed that I don’t know what to do with myself as far as the future goes. I feel like a  cloudy mist has descended on my path, and while I feel ok, i’m still doubting. I’m not sure what this means for me. i’m trying to take the leap of faith, and if i succeed, I will be ok.

 

I’m not trying to be happy, btu I am and that’s my problem. Fuck happiness. Maybe I should go live out my theory that happiness is not the ideal of the human state and go find out what it is.

 

I think I’ll do that.

 

laters.

 

eli

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