Who am I?

This morning,  I found myself channeling the question: What sort of man shall I be?

This is the sort of clusterfuck of a question that can easily throw me for a loop, make me question reality and land me in an abyss of powerlessness, and stifling reflection. But not today.

I often wrestle with questions like this because they come naturally to me. These questions just spring up on me and demand my immediate attention, and I cannot leave them unattended. I sometimes think of it as a journey from one wrestling match to another.

Today, I sat there, and I thought only a moment before a whirlwind of answers enveloped me and asked me to become the wind. To listen to the very essence of this multitude of answers, to take it in all at once.

I’ve been on quite a few different journeys recently, some very enjoyable, others dark and foreboding, alienating  harsh, or depressing. I’ve gained experiences, and lost loved ones, and it’s been a very good year, despite the difficulties throughout.

I’ve had many nights beneath the stars, caught in the rain, surviving in tents and otherwise questing for Justice this year. I’ve had so many adventures, half of which I don’t deserve, but nonetheless, here we are. I’m grateful for all of them, and all of you. On the cusp (It’s a few months away still,) of my 25th birthday, I am glad that my mind felt it necessary to ask this question.

“What sort of man shall I be?”

 

I don’t often think about manhood, or manliness, I just assume I am trying to be myself, so this was very different for me. I usually just try to be Eli, whatever that’s supposed to mean, or look like. But here I found myself asking what manner of man I shall be. I found myself questing for what sort of story this life shall tell.

The answer rushed at me all at once.

I desire to be a loving, kind and generous man. I wish myself to be a thoughtful man, someone who gives more than he takes, someone who blesses as often as he can.

I wish to be a man whose scars are worn, not with pride, but with quiet solidarity. I wish to be most truly myself, the man I know I can be.

When the clarity of those desires once again reach into the depths of my soul, I know that I am nearer to the Truth. The levity and joy of this season has found my heart open, and I am glad to be a host of such difficult questions, especially in a season that can prove so difficult for so many. May you find some measure of peace, and the courage to answer your own big questions.

Merry Christmas.